ARTHUR KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual
by 0ptimuspenguin
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You've just invested in an ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit. We've provided this manual to ensure that you, the owner, unlock your unit's full potentials...


**Disclaimer: I don't own APH or this format.**

**A/N: **moar rewriting, especially since I really do like British food and I'm sure that I'm not the only one? haha

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**ARTHUR KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit. This manual was written in order to ensure that you, the owner, can unlock your unit's full potential as a guardian, boyfriend, and/or pirate.

**Technical Specifications: **

Name: Arthur Kirkland. Will respond to "England", "United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland", "UK", rather happily to "Brother", rather irritantly to "Iggy", and rather angrily to "Rosbif" or other French endearments.

Age: 23

Place of Manufacture: London, England

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 130 lbs

Length: Magical.

**Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit comes with the following: **

One (1) green military uniform

One (1) casual green sweater vest

One (1) white toga

One (1) long black cloak

One (1) pair of ultratight black leather skinny jeans

One (1) electric guitar emblazoned with the Union Jack

Five (5) sticks of white chalk

**Programming**

Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is equipped with the following traits:

Lead Guitarist/Singer: Ever felt that maybe your band could use a better guitarist? Well, the ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is for you! We guarantee that with him in your group, you'll find yourself swarmed by fans everywhere you go. He can sing, too, so double him as lead singer and guitarist for maximum efficiency!

Waiter/Pole Dancer: Believe it or not, ARTHUR KIRKLAND is actually a hardcore waiter. He'll rake in tips, as business is the most important thing to him when he's at work, and for even more cash get him a job at a bar - or a strip club. He's quite the pole dancer.

Policeman: ARTHUR KIRKLAND has a love for the rules, and will prove it if you get him a job as a cop. Not to mention he looks dead sexy in the uniforms!

Exorcist: Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit has a talent for seeing things others generally wouldn't see - namely, spirits and fairies and other such creatures. Exorcists are in high demand, and your unit will love his job as one!

**Removal of your ARTHUR KIRKLAND Unit from Packaging**

Awakening your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is generally quite simple, but if he was jostled during shipment it could be harder. We have provided this list of failsafe ways to wake your unit, jostled or not, which will not result in you missing any body parts at the end. Your unit tends to make a lot more assumptions than he should, which might result in some terrifying moments while getting him up, but don't worry - he won't really hurt you, unless you're a FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit.

1. Set a plate of hamburgers next to the box, preferably with a fan to force the aroma towards the box with. Momentarily, your unit will shout at you to get the food out of his face before kicking his way out of the box unless you move the food within two seconds. It is advised to stand a few metres away to avoid being stabbed with bits of the box. Once he realizes that you are not an ALFRED F. JONES unit, he will apologize for his "ghastly behavior" and introduce himself, and you are free to reprogram him then.

2. Play either "Saving Grace" or "The Star-Spangled Banner" as loudly as you can. If you play the first song, your unit will hum or sing to it in his box and it is safe to remove the lid; if you play the second, your unit will shout at you to "turn that damn racket down" and again claw his way out of the box if you do not stop the music. Again, once he notes that you are not in fact an ALFRED F. JONES, he will apologize and be perfectly cordial towards you, allowing you to reprogram him.

3. Clink two glass alcohol bottles - preferably scotch or whiskey - together, in earshot of the box, but not too close lest you be hit by flying bits of wood as your unit scrambles for them. As soon as ARTHUR KIRKLAND has gotten out of the box, he will thank you for the alcohol and chug it; while he does so, you can reprogram him.

4. Cook an aromatic Spanish or French dish and set it down near the box. Your unit will laugh, start to punch his way through the box and ask in an evil tone whether you want to get your ass kicked again. When he sees that you are neither an ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO nor FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit, he will ask you to excuse his behavior.

5. If you are certain that shipping went perfectly, you can just open the box and hope he doesn't reach out and try to kill you for waking him up incorrectly.

**Reprogramming**

After successfully getting your ARTHUR KIRKLAND out of his box, you can decide to reprogram him to any of the following modes.

_Grumpy (default)_

_Bossy (default)_

_Drunk/Emo_

_Loving_

_Terrified_

_Horny (locked)_

The ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit comes in his _Grumpy _mode, and _Bossy _comes as an addition to his normal stoic personality. If he starts cackling randomly, don't worry - that will appear in various modes and shows that he is planning revenge on some other poor, unsuspecting unit. This revenge will most likely work, but he never laughs in the present of his target; therefore, if you hear it, you can ignore him.

The _Drunk/Emo_ mode is extremely simple, really; ARTHUR KIRKLAND has a high alcohol tolerance, and he loves to drink, but will become depressed after a few rounds. He is actually pretty sober when he starts crying about ALFRED F. JONES abandoning him, or his family hating him; it's rare for him to get truly drunk, which is another mode.

The_ Loving_ mode can be utilized by telling ARTHUR KIRKLAND that you too can see fairies, or that you like British food. He becomes very happy, trusting, and lovable.

The _Terrified_ mode is a very fun one to unlock, presuming you like gay guys and hardcore BDSM. Before attempting to unlock this, we recommend setting up cameras all over your house. To get this mode, set an ALFRED F. JONES, FRANCIS BONNEFOIS, or ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO unit into their respective _Postal_, _Rape-Maniac_, or _Psychotic Break_ modes; for easier access, put ARTHUR KIRKLAND into _Loving_, but for more delicious footage, leave him in _Grumpy _mode. After this, just lock your unit and any of the listed above in your house for a few days. When you come back, ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be trembling and promising to do anything for whichever unit you had him with. To get him out of this, leave him with a normal KIKU HONDA unit for two to three weeks, or get him a private rape therapist.

The locked mode, _Horny_, can be unlocked by actually getting your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit drunk. He will be smiling lasciviously at anyone he sees, walking with a disturbing sway of his hips, and clinging onto any nearby unit(s). He is notorious for running off with all three Bad Touch units, and not returning for days.

**Relationships with Other Units: **

ALFRED F. JONES: These two have a long history of love and hate, and their "special relationship" can be seen in several different manners. ARTHUR KIRKLAND is quick to deny that he has any fond feelings for ALFRED F. JONES, but honestly these two are the most likely pairing you can get with our offered units, as well as the romance most likely to succeed. Please note that if your ARTHUR KIRKLAND is in a relationship with another unit, ALFRED F. JONES might pine for his attention.

FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND has a very, very strange relationship with this unit - not only will FRANCIS BONNEFOIS will contradict anything your unit says, but if these two hook up, they will have a very loving relationship that just happens to be open to others. If you see your ARTHUR KIRKLAND or his beloved FRANCIS BONNEFOIS sleeping around, don't comment, because their respective rotating doors of bedmates is how their romance will advance. Their pre-romance relationship is often perceived as one resulting from too much sexual tension, and you can find this out for yourself.

KIKU HONDA: ARTHUR KIRKLAND and KIKU HONDA get along great, actually, when you take into mind the fact that England and Japan don't have a very happy relationship, what with World War II and all. ARTHUR KIRKLAND likes to visit KIKU HONDA, and KIKU HONDA likes to visit ARTHUR KIRKLAND... and you may take that sentence any way you'd like.

ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO: If you've noticed how your unit generally acts toward others, you'll know that ARTHUR KIRKLAND hates ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO just as much as he hates everyone else. ANTONIO FERNANDEZ CARRIEDO, however, is an extremely patient, extremely loving unit who just so happens to be insane; ARTHUR KIRKLAND likes crazy guys, and with that said it's possible that these two units will get together.

PETER KIRKLAND: Your unit is the blood-related family member of PETER KIRKLAND, though PETER KIRKLAND hates ARTHUR KIRKLAND for many reasons. There is no real romance to be had here, but you can try for pedophilia; we have no guarantees as to how it will turn out.

**Cleaning**

Your ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, and doesn't like bathing with others. This is partly due to his various tattoos (especially the electric guitar on his hip), his several piercings, and his scars.

**Feeding**

ARTHUR KIRKLAND can indeed cook his own food, but we doubt that you would enjoy steak and kidney pie or Yorkshire pudding as much as he does. It is likely that you will be unable to stomach the food, unless you're used to Anglo cuisine, and don't let him into the kitchen. He makes a mean curry, though, which is perfectly safe to eat seeing that it's much blander than Indian curries.

**Rest**

This unit has a normal routine, and tends to be in bed before 11 every night. He is very much like an old man in this manner, but he differs from them in the fact that he will, guaranteed, get up and kill you if you wake him up before 7AM.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: My ARTHUR KIRKLAND is emotionally blackmailing me into eating his food! What do I do? I _like _being alive!

A: Well, we warned you about keeping him out of the kitchen... but you can stop this by simply sacrificing an ALFRED F. JONES unit to your ARTHUR KIRKLAND. We are not responsible for any ailments that befall the ALFRED F. JONES unit you use.

Q: My unit ran out of chalk and now he's sulking and refusing to do anything!

A: Since the chalk we sent had magical properties, you'll have to either order more from us or ask a nearby ERIK ANDERSON if you could borrow some of his chalk.

Q: My unit broke his guitar and went on a rampage!

A: Get him tipsy, just enough to get him into _Drunk/Emo _mode; afterwards, when he is completely sober again, he will apologize for his earlier behavior.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: After your unit didn't respond to any of the ways we provided to wake him, you opened the box and found, instead of a modern-looking man, one in a pirate suit who opened his eyes and jumped you violently as soon as you opened the box. Now he's threatening you and speaking in a pirate dialect.

Solution: Whoops! We've sent you a Pirate!England on accident! This unit is extremely violent, nearly constantly horny, and will drink you out of house and home - as well as kill your landlord when he comes to collect the rent you can no longer pay - unless you ship him right back. He will be loving towards ALFRED F. JONES, sadistic towards ANTONIO CARRIEDO and have a terrible superiority complex to everyone else, because, see, now he's at the height of his career and not a grouchy old man. Don't tell him we said that!

Problem: Your unit traded in his proper clothes for the leather pants he arrived with. He dyed his hair various colors, got even _more_ piercings, and attends parties every night. At home, he constantly sings Sex Pistols, Elton John, and Bruce Springsteen; he acts extremely rashly and violently, and sleeps with anything that has legs. More often than not, this "anything that has legs" includes LUDWIG KALTHERZIG, IVAN BRAGINSKI, and/or ALFRED F. JONES.

Solution: Congratulations! You've unlocked your unit's _Punk _mode. In this mode, ARTHUR KIRKLAND has reverted back to the 80s fever. Now, he's more or less a hipster. You can get him out of it by having him spend time with a normal FRANCIS BONNEFOIS, who will comment on how sexy your unit looks like this, and unknowingly revert ARTHUR KIRKLAND back to _Grumpy_.

**End Notes**

If you take correct care of your unit, ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be a worthy and loyal companion. Be warned before you do anything, as your actions might suddenly anger him, and we guarantee that if you read the manual, your time with ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be very enjoyable. Good luck!

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**A/N:** rewrite fourrrrr.


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